Friday, August 13, 2010

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

Watch this:



Then watch this:





You will be very happy you did. Thanks to Punches for sharing this with me. My life will never be the same.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Early

Peanut woke me up early, as she always does, but I can't get back to sleep. So now I'm going to attempt to be creative. OK I give up, but I'm still going to post a blog.

I have some advice. Don't see Step Up 3D. I'm not sure how Casey, Nana and Mike convinced me to go to this movie, but I accidentally went. I had no intention of seeing it, but I guess I just wanted to get out of the house. There were not nearly enough sweet dance moves, and they did a bunch of bullshit things just for the 3D effects. There was this guy that did an amazing robot though.

I have some more advice. Watch 'The Wire'. I accidentally bought the entire series of 'The Wire' on DVD after returning from Baltimore. I have seen a few places that I visited while I was there which is cool, but the show itself is just well done. I watched 8 hour long episodes between Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Is it weird that sassy gay black men are my favorite characters in shows? Case in point: Lafayette from 'True Blood' and Omar from 'The Wire'.

My goals after returning from vacation were to try and live a little more simply (read more, bike more, walk more, cook for myself more, listen and play music more), eat better and exercise more. I have not succeeded yet, but I am trying. I have not read anything, biked, walked much, cooked, listened to much music or eaten much better. I did run and lift weights 3 times each. It is fine though because I have excuses.

This post is completely unfunny, so I will share 2 videos that have made me laugh a lot recently:





I have to thank DOB and Nick Normal for introducing these to me.

I mowed the lawn yesterday in a sleeveless shirt and jean shorts. I soon hope to livestream me doing manual labor in sleeveless shirts and jean shorts so be on the lookout. It was the first time I ever wore only clothing that I made. I cut the sleeves of the shirt and bottoms off of the pants. I probably would be on this season of Project Runway, but 3 dudes from St. Louis on one show is probably too much for the nation to handle.

I'm giving up on going back to sleep. I'm gunna eat some food.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

East Coasties


Holy Damn. Is is Friday already?

I went on vacation last week and it was awesome. I didn't stay in one place for very long, but I still got to relax and see some good peoples.

(These pictures are all over the place. I am too lazy to rearrange them, so deal with it suckas.)

Day 1: It all started last Monday. We arrived at the airport and immediately saw that our flight was delayed 1.5 hours. This was a very bad thing, because that was the amount of time we needed in Chicago in order to make our next flight (which was the last one going to New Hampshire arriving at 11:35pm). Shit. Luckily we were there early enough and the lovely people at Southwest got us on an earlier flight to Chicago and we could stop stressing. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful which was a great thing. We got into New Hampshire on time and then drove about 1.5 hours to Ogunquit, ME. It was about 1 am when we got there and it was sooooo quiet. I was hoping that this didn't mean that I had picked a boring vacation spot for blue hairs.

Day 2: We got up relatively early, had a continental breakfast* and decided to take a walk. There is this walkway called Marginal Way where you can walk right along the ocean for 1.5 miles. It was beautiful to say the least. (I am impressed that I have been able to use '1.5' 3 times already).

*While I was waiting in the lobby for breakfast I noticed that none other than Taylor Hicks from American Idol fame was putting on a show that night in the restaurant attached to our hotel. Taylor Hicks? That is probably a bad sign for your career if you are playing at restaurant attached to a hotel in Ogunquit, Maine, but who am I to judge. I kind of wanted to go, but only so that I could tell people that I did it. I have no interest in the musical stylings of Taylor Hicks.

The Marginal Way leads you to the inner harbor (area with boats and little shops). Throughout the next few days Casey and I would make many jokes about the Habah, Habah Ducks, The Green Monstah, Lobstah and anything else we could say in a Maine/Boston accent. We thought we were hilarious. Next we did something we would do 1.5 times 2 (3) more times later, and that is eat lobster. We had lobster rolls and chowdah for lunch at the Lobster Shack...and the lobster rolls were amazing!!! The buns looked like texas toast fused with a hot dog bun. I've never seen anything like it, but it was delicious. Am I getting long winded yet?

After lunch we decided to walk back on the Marginal Way and get our stuff for some beach time. The beach was really awesome. Some parts were crowded, but you could walk just a little further and have plenty of space. The water was brisk, but still felt good and refreshing. There was 1 man thong sighting. I liked that everyone there were normal people. The beach wasn't filled with super models to make you feel bad about yourself. I mean besides Casey and I. After spending the better part of a day in Maine we determined that these types of people go there:

Mostly White people (not much of a surprise)
Old people
Families from the Northeast
French Canadians (It was amazing how many french speakers there were. I bet the town was 75% french speakers)
Gays (Woooo. Go Gays!!)

We don't really fall into these categories, but fit in just fine.

After the beach we had frozen yogurt and took a nap. We woke up from our nap and had to step on it to find dinner because some things close pretty early in town during the week. We decided on getting some Lobster pizza, wine, salad and it ruled. We walked around on the beach at night which was amazing. Then we got ice cream, candy and more wine and headed back to the room. I would tell you what happens next, but it was waaaay indecent.

A great day!

Day 3: Slept in a little bit, but nothing too outrageous. Walked a different way down towards the inner harbor and got some breakfast. It was good stuff. I think it was called Cafe Amore. It said on the menu that Rachel Ray had been there. Then we went on an awesome Lighthouse cruise. Guess how long the cruise was? 1.5 Hours. It was a beautiful day and very relaxing on the boat. We got to check out all of the obscenely large houses on the coast. We talked about befriending all the old people we saw with the hopes of convincing them to change their will to leave us their houses. We then decided against it, because who wants to talk to old people anyway?

While on our cruise the guide pointed to a light house off in the distance called the Boon Island light house. That island had some crazy shit happen on it. They had cannibals in 1710, and evidently you can still see wreckage from a German U boat from the island. I wish we could have gone there, but it was pretty damn far away. Oh well. I'll just have to find some cannibals and wrecked German ships on shore somewhere. Oh, the guide also told us about a ship called the Dixie that crashed on the shore of Maine a long time ago. Get it? The Dixie Wrecked. Har har har.

After the cruise we got some more lobster rolls, Casey bought a floppy hat, we rode around on a trolley and then went back to the beach. No man thongs today, but we did see a guy with the hairiest shoulders and back I can ever remember seeing. Glorious. What else can you say about the beach? It is great to be on the beach.

We decided to get some more lobster & veggie pizza for dinner and then get some treats and hang out on the beach and watch the sunset/moon rise. It worked out pretty well except that the spot we chose had a rock blocking where the moon was. There were also mosquitoes. I hate you mosquitoes.

With that the beach time was over :(.

Day 4: Got up early as hell and drove to New Hampshire. The guy who checked us out at the hotel looked like the Albino from The Princess Bride so that was a bonus. Dropped Casey off at the airport which was sad, but I was ready to do some adventuring on my own.

I drove to Queens to hook up with Nick Normal and go see the Cardinals play the NY Mets in a day game. The drive took a while, but wasn't horrible. Even driving into Queens wasn't especially bad. (I found a radio station that played Mudhoney, They Might Be Giants and Easy-E in a 20 minute period in NYC. What is better than that?) I did an awful parallel parking job in front of the Flux Factory and then we were off to the baseball game.

If anyone goes to NYC they should go with Nick Normal. Even though he is a Saint Louisan he is a great guide on all things NYC. We got to the stadium and met up with Julia (Kirksville/STL homie) and bought some tickets that cost way more than we intended. It was free umbrella day and there were tons of kids there. Damn kids and their umbrellas! The seats were nice and we had a good time talking a little bit of shit on the Mets. We couldn't talk much though because the Cardinals royally sucked it up that day. We had 3 hits and no runs. Boo. It also rained which was fine for the first 25,000 fans who got umbrellas, but not for us. Honestly the rain felt nice for a while, but it got heavy for 10 minutes or so and we took a walk.

So the game was a bit of a wash, but I got to see a new stadium and we had a fun time regardless. After the game we walked around a giant park (I think it was Corona park), and stopped in a few museums. The first was the Queens Museum of Art. There were a lot of cool looking exhibits, but we were short on time and Nick wanted us to see the Panorama of the City of New York. And....Holy shit was it amazing. My mind is still blown away by the panorama. It is a 9335 square foot model of the entire city of NY. It has every building constructed before 1992 on it. You are able to walk around the model in this giant room. All I can say it that you should go see it because it is crazy awesome. It gave me a architectural boner.

Next we went to the New York Hall of Science because Nick needed to have a chat with someone there about the upcoming Maker Faire (an awesome event, you should read about it). The guy he was meeting with was super awesome and even took us into this place called the Great Hall (it was built before anyone had been to the moon to make it look like you were in outer space). We also got to see some Piranhas and a bunch of other crazy science exhibits.

We caught a car back to the Flux Factory to drop some stuff off and then decided to start walking around. I'm not sure exactly where we walked around, but I know that we were in Long Island City. It is great just to see what is going on in such a huge lively place. We grabbed dinner and a beer in this small little pub (Dominie's Hoek). The sandwich, fries and beer were all amazing. They hit the spot after a long day of driving and walking.

We walked around a little more after dinner and then parted ways with Julia. We saw some cool graffiti (including Goonies graffiti), saw some mosaics in the Subway tunnels, talked about how if the Subway was built now they would never spend the money to make it so cool looking in the tunnels, and then headed back to the Flux Factory. I got an official tour of the place and said hi to a bunch of nice artsy people. Then as I am known to do, I go to sleep early in amazing cities.* In this case it was about 11 o'clock. It was a long day. Give me a break bastages.

*One time in Amsterdam I went to see the movie 'Bedazzled' starring Brendan Frazier and then went to sleep in our hostel before 10 o'clock. Yeah I know. I know how to partay.

Day 5 (6 & 7): This was not my favorite day, but still not too bad. I woke up and looked out the window to see a fresh $45 street cleaning parking ticket on my car. Shit. I then drove through Manhattan and out to New Jersey and eventually Pennsylvania. I don't reccommend doing this drive. It is not fun. Eventually I made it to Chalfont, PA to have some lunch with my friend Amelie. I almost met her bebe, but she was sleeping and Mike (her hubby) looked like he would not be happy if she woke up. We ate a delicious Indian buffet.

Then I drove some more and finally ended up in Baltimore to hang with Dan and Jeannie for the weekend. Now since I am tired of writing I am going to plagerize the Baltimore section from DOB's blog (told from his perspective):

Part 2. HOBO'S CRABS

After driving through a bit of traffic downtown (apparently there was some sort of anime/Japanese pop culture convention going on -- lots of youngish people walking around in strange costumes) I made it home and the Jeanners and Jeffrey and I got some tasty burgers, and the waiter made fun of Jeff for getting his sans onions. Headed home and went to bed after a long day.

A slow start to Saturday morning, but we had a nice breakfast with fruit and biscuits and eggs 'n fake sausage. Then headed out to the Hamilton street fest, which consisted mainly of food booths and overpriced crafts and clothes, and three music stages set up -- two with bands and one DJ area back in an alley. There was also a classic-car auto show going on, and J-Dog, Jeff and I found the dipstick on many classic cars. Jeannie had a tasty ice treat made by a man named Jiggy. Jeff and I were silently panhandled by a man with '$1.00' written on a piece of tiny scrap paper. After we'd had our fill of the street fest we headed out west towards Catonsville, checked out the Patapsco Valley State Park, where we hiked and saw a deer, a log teepee, a trail marked by strips of a wife beater, a train tunnel, a woman with a wiggly butt and too many water bottles, shirtless hooligans, and post-apocalyptic abandoned factories with open dumpsters. Leaving the park, we checked out the main street of Catonsville, which it turns out shuts down at 6pm. Except for a large antique store that we proceeded to fill up with our farts. I say we because, although I participated, it wasn't just me. Didn't feel like eating in Catonsville, so we headed home. Saw a handmade sign on the side of Route 40 that said "HOBO'S CRABS." Not sure exactly what they were selling. Got home, I made a stir-fry and G&T's and we taught Jeff how to play Carcassonne. A fairly low-key evening. Sunday morning, repeat breakfast w/ biscuits, eggs, etc. then headed downtown to Sunday-morning market. Kept our eyes peeled for human poop. On the ground, not for sale. Left the market and walked around Fell's Point, ducked into a bike store, brushed off a street magician, bought cheap Tom Waits CD's at the Soundgarden. Drove to the Inner Harbor where we checked out Federal Hill, walked around, saw some more folks in anime costumes, loaded up on maps, and ate frozen custard. Rushed off to Towson to pick up our CSA vegetables and then headed home where we lounged on the porch, ate mini-pizzas and watched a squirrel with a broken tail. Then it was time for me to head to work and the Jeanners to give J. a lift to the airport.

The end of DOB's section.

After I was dropped off at the airport I met a pretty famous person. Raplph Nader. He was signing books at a book store in the airport. I decided that I don't talk to important influential figures very often so I should go talk to him. We talked for a good few minutes about the country, my job, prison and roller derby. He was very easy to talk to and actually pretty cool for a septuagenarian.

Shout outs:

Casey for being an awesome, smart, funny and hot wife.
Chelsea for watching the puppies while we were gone.
My mom & dad for driving us to and from the airport.
Dan & Jeannie for being awesome and hanging out with me in Baltimore.
Nick Normal for letting me crash in NYC and showing me around queens.
Julia for hanging out in NYC.
Amelie for having lunch with me.
Maine people for talking funny.

I'm hoping to get a Travel Channel Show based on this blog entry. Everyone write to them and tell them. Please?