Tuesday, September 14, 2021

How Dog Mountain Chewed Me Up and Spit Me Into Middle Age


Up until July fifth twenty fifteen I considered myself largely invincible. I regularly did things with little to no preparation, or in questionable conditions just so I could live through it and have a story to tell afterwards. I would play basketball when it was one hundred degrees out when the sun was beating down in its prime at 2:00 pm. I would not read a textbook all semester, and then read the whole thing the night before the test. I would get up super early in the morning, or super late at night to start an hours long drive. I would show up to a hike rated as difficult with a single bottle of water, and old running shoes with worn down soles. In all the situations I always came out unscathed. I never really even had any negative consequences. After basketball I was very sweaty, but otherwise felt great. I got through high school near the top of my class, and graduated college cum laude. I made it to many shows, hikes, and adventures tired but with no other scars. Had many amazing hikes. Then I made a visit to Dog Mountain.

Dog Mountain is located along the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon. The hike was recommended to my partner and I by some friends who lived in Oregon as a "great hike where you can see lots of wildflowers." Since we had this recommendation I didn't really do too much additional research. We had a fun road trip planned where we were going from Seattle, down to the Redwoods in California and back. This Dog Mountain Hike fit perfectly into our packed itinerary. 

Before we talk about July fifth, let's talk about July fourth. We arrived in Seattle, and pretty much immediately started drinking and having a good time. My special lady friend is from the Seattle area, and this was my first time meeting most of her friends. They were not putting on a show to impress me, but impress me they did with their ability to partay. I'm no stranger to it, but I was about five years older than most of the crew so I had to get back into the mode quickly. Nothing too crazy went down, but drinking through most of the day, not enough eating, watching fireworks, jumping in Lake Union, and did I mention the heat? The high was somewhere in the mid nineties, but since Seattle is so moderate most of the time most people do not have air conditioners. The place we were staying had no air conditioning. It was also a small apartment, and I believe we either "slept" on the couch or on the floor. 

Back to July fifth...we leave Seattle at seven in the morning to start the great west coast road trip of twenty fifteen. Immediately got coffee, and evaluated our situation. Drank all day yesterday in the heat, slept very little if at all, did not have time to get any supplies beyond the few things we got upon our arrival to the west coast, but spirits were still high! The smart thing to do now would be to get a healthy, protein packed, power fuel of a breakfast to power us through our first big day of the trip. Another option would be to drive to Portland, Oregon to wait in line at Pine State Biscuits and gorge ones self on mass quantities of biscuits, gravy, bacon, fried chicken, hash browns, and most likely some sort of sweet treat. 

Our spirits were still very high. We were a little behind on our itinerary as we had a hike, and a few stops for the day before we would end up at the Timberline Lodge on Mount Hood. Unsurprisingly it was also very hot that day in Oregon. It was in the high nineties. Someone who wasn't me at the time might have said "we probably overdid it a little yesterday, it is very hot and I usually like to start hikes early in the day to avoid the extreme heat, and we don't have the typical supplies we would normally bring on a hike so maybe we skip the hike and leisurely make our way through some of these sites along the Columbia Gorge and arrive to the Timberline Lodge relaxed and refreshed." Unfortunately since I was myself at the time we pulled up to the trailhead for Dog Mountain sometime in the mid afternoon at around ninety seven degrees with one small water bottle a piece. 

According to the description on AllTrails: "The Dog Mountain Trail is one of the most challenging hikes within the Portland Metro area or Columbia River Gorge area." Coming in at 6.5 miles long and an elevation gain of 2,988 feet I present the Dog Mountain Trail. That elevation gain is more than some 14er hikes in Colorado. 

It was clear early on that there were going to be problems. It started out with some very steep switchbacks. The shade was almost instantly gone which left us in full sun for the majority of our initial climb up the mountain. Since we didn't really know what we had in store for us we were drinking water rather liberally at the beginning. It was uber hot, we were going straight up, and we were in the blazing sun. At some point we did enter an area that had some tree coverage, which was great, but it was still going up and up. 

At that point we entered the part of the hike that was supposed to be one of the big payoffs: the wildflowers. I'm not sure if it was the extreme heat or the time of the year, but all the wildflowers were all brown and burnt to a crisp. That was deflating, but it was a beautiful view so we carried on even though our water supply was still dwindling. We thought we reached the summit of the hike at least three times, but most of them were false summits. When we finally made it to the top we again loved the view and had a brief celebration, but had less that one bottle of water for the way down. 

Even though I've done a million hikes, at the top of every single one I say to myself "Well the hard part is over, going down is easy." About seventy five percent of the time I am wrong. I was also wrong this time. The way down was still in full sun, still scorching hot, our tired legs were really feeling the downward path, and we were only taking small sips of water. We would sometimes run down the mountain to attempt to get down faster. We were starting to get delirious. At one point I believe we saw a white tailed deer with three eyes near the path, but can't be totally sure due to our state of mind. 

We were still moving down the mountain, it seemed like it would never end, and we drank the last of our water. We were no longer feeling upbeat. We were worried, and almost non-verbal due to the exhaustion and dehydration. My shirt went from being soaked with sweat to being bone dry with crystallized salt on it. Nonetheless we trudged on forward. 

After what seemed like the length of the entire director's cut of Battlefield Earth passed we finally made it back to the car. We were jubilant for a moment until we remembered that we prepared poorly and still had no water or drinks of any kind in the car. We drove twenty minutes in silence until we got to the nearest gas station. We went to our respective restrooms, guzzled gas station sink water, washed our faces, and bought as many bottles of water and Gatorade as we could find.

It seems like it took about another hour or so until we could speak or think straight. We ordered a beer and food at Double Mountain brewery in Hood River, Oregon, but really struggled to get through them even though they were so delicious. That evening as we drove to the Timberline Lodge on Mount Hood (one of the more magnificent drives) we swore to always have way too much water on every future hike. 

I may continue to do stupid things & take risks, but you can rest easy that I will have 128 extra ounces of water on me while I do them. 







Saturday, August 7, 2021

If I Was Smart!?!

I bought a Go Pro camera!

If I was smart I would have purchased said Go Pro camera before I went to Colorado a few weeks back, but alas I am not. As a result the maiden voyage for the camera was an "urban hike" through my normal stomping grounds of Andersonville/Bowmanville in Chicago, IL. Does anyone want to watch this? Who knows, but I enjoyed pretending I was a Google Maps car as I walked around for half an hour with a camera strapped to my head. 

This brings me to an important question: What should I name my soon to be very successful YouTube channel? 


1. My Name

2. Emergency Pudding

3. Extreme Fajitas

4. Something Else?

5. Delete your Account


Please let me know in the comments.


Without further adieu I bring you: Urban Hiking






Thursday, March 4, 2021

Hatris: Tetris with Hats!

Hatris: Tetris with Hats!


 

The official launch slogan for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1985 was “Now You’re Playing With Power”. In just five short years that slogan was quickly updated to: “Now You’re Still Playing With Power, But The Power Has A Hat On”. (Previous sentence has been disputed). 

Hatris was made by the creators of Tetris: Alexey Pajitnov & Vladimir Pokhilko. They included a very sweet note in the Hatris Instruction Manual:


A Message From The Authors


Hello, everybody. How did you like Tetris? We feel that those of you who have played Tetris have gotten a glimpse of life in Russia through this unique, peaceful game. 


But now, let’s talk about our new game. Hatris is very simple and easy to understand, but it also challenges your judgement and skill. We love Hatris. As we worked on the game, it was easy to imagine the people of the world and their characteristic hats.


If you like this game too, we’ll be glad to have even more friends in the U.S.


Enjoy and good luck!


I was fully prepared to write a quaint little segment about how funny it is that the creators of Tetris made a version of Tetris that was slightly different, but with hats. I was just going to write based on my memory of Hatris, but since I do own it I figured it would be worth it to play for a few minutes and confirm my hypothesis. This decision took me on a week long roller coaster ride that includes Frankenstein’s Monster, digging through old boxes, and then finally to murder-suicide. 


My own personal journey with Hatris started in 1996-1997, my freshman year in college. I purchased the used game from the Ice House gas station in Kirksville, Missouri for I’m guessing a small sum of money. This was back in the days when physical media was still very popular, and just about every business had a small section to rent movies and games. This particular Ice House was between my dormitory and the Domino’s Pizza that had amazing deals after 11pm on weeknights. This Domino’s Pizza got a lot of use since we tried to eat dinner as early as possible (4:30pm) at the dining hall so that we were able to get an additional meal in (Wow could the freshman 15 be real after all?!?). Why did I decide to buy Hatris? Not sure, but I am an unabashed lover of puzzle games. To this day Tetris, and Dr. Mario are two of my favorite games of any genre.


If memory serves, I played Hatris sporadically in college, then each time I moved and set up my Nintendo I recall popping it in to play for a few minutes. This week in February of 2021 I played using my Retron 5 which allows you to play Nintendo games with an HDMI hookup, and it looks great. 



At face value the gameplay is very simple:


  • Six heads at the bottom of the screen (all ready to receive hat(s))

  • A pair of hats drop from the top of the screen

  • Five of the same type of hat stacked together clear the hats, and award you points


Honestly before this week I’m not sure if I even played the game beyond the rules above. However, this game can get a lot more complex, and a lot more fun! Here’s why:


  • Once one of your hats hits another hat, you can break the other hat off of the pair and move to a different head. This is assuming there is a spot lower in the playing field for your second hat.

  • You can press B, and summon one of your two assistants to help you! One assistant will remove hats from the bottom of a column, and the other assistant will swap one column for another. 

  • The music, while not iconic like Tetris music, is still very enjoyable and catchy.

  • The heads change! Ok this does not sound that exciting, but the head selection is so strange that it makes me smile just thinking about it. When you begin the first head looks to be a russian fellow (possibly one of the assistants), but as you move through the game the heads can change to be Charlie Chaplin, possibly Laurel and/or Hardy, Dracula, and Frankenstein’s monster! 


Let’s circle back to Alexey Pajitnov & Vladimir Pokhilko. Again thanks to the Hatris Instruction Manual which I still have, you also learn that Alexey and Vladimir are the two assistants you see on the screen throughout the whole game. The combination of their sugar coated message at the beginning, and their presence on screen I decided to do a little more research on these two. This is where I discovered that Hatris is drenched in tragedy. 


The less extreme example of tragedy would be surrounding Alexey Pajitnov. By all accounts he made some great games, and had a successful life & career. There were some uninformed business decisions that caused fights over licensing rights, but eventually he started making good money from Tetris after moving to the U.S. & gaining the rights to Tetris. Additionally his adult son Dmitri tragically died in a skiing accident in 2017. 


Then we shift to Vladimir Pokhilko….. He is listed as the co-developer of Tetris & Hatris, and was a clinical psychologist. Vladimir’s work as a psychologist often saw him using puzzles as tests, and this included Tetris! While Vladimir also moved to the U.S. to attempt to further his career in gaming things started to turn bad. Reportedly his company was having financial difficulties, and most sources believe this greatly influenced what happened in 1998. Vladimir murdered his wife Elena and young son Peter, and then committed suicide by slitting his own throat. He left a suicide note that said:


“I’ve been eaten alive. Vladimir. Just remember that I am exist. The davil.” [sic] 


Yikes. I certainly did not expect this brief Hatris exploration to end up where it did, but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. I am still enjoying Hatris, but it is hard to get over the fact that one of the cartoon assistants on screen at all times is a cold blooded murderer. 


Friday, February 5, 2021

Top 4 Beers - January 2021

    The beginning of any new year is a popular time to “go dry”. It makes sense for a lot of people especially coming into 2021. You were probably indulging a bit for the holidays, or maybe you haven’t stopped indulging since the COVID-19 stay at home orders in March of 2020!  As a result dry January seemed to have epic participation levels this year. Sales of Non Alcoholic Beer & other NA beverages went way up in January. Heck, there is even a newer brewery (founded in 2017) that ONLY makes Non Alcoholic brews (Athletic Brewing Company). It is an exciting time in the beverage world, and it feels like just about anyone can participate. 

    All that being said, I did not have a dry January (kudos to anyone who made it through). I have been very good during these unprecedented times (fill in your COVID-19 bingo card) of picking and choosing my beer consumption very deliberately. Less beer, but the highest quality I can get is my motto. Without further ado, here is the list of the best beers I personally consumed in January (unranked):



Maplewood Brewing - Barrel Aged Cuppa Vanilla Rye (2020)



Description from Maplewood’s Instagram: Blended from Cuppa aged exclusively in Peerless Rye Whiskey barrels for 12 months. Conditioned on Metric coffee and 3 varieties of vanilla beans: Madagascar, Papua New Guinea, and Indonesian. 13% ABV.


    This beer seemed to be very hyped up due to anything with vanilla being hyped up, relatively low numbers of this were produced, Maplewood’s great track record with the Cuppa series, and the fact that the only way to get it (in cans) was to win their lottery on Oznr. My wife and I were both lucky enough to win the Oznr lottery which was very exciting! She won the entire set (Vanilla Rye, Peanut Butter Coconut, and Hazelnut), and then I continued my life streak of underachieving by just winning the Peanut Butter Coconut flavor (j/k I was happy to win anything!).


    I’ve had a lot of Vanilla Barrel Aged stouts in my day, and this stands up there with the best of them. This beer really hits all the notes that you want in your coffee vanilla symphony. Right off the bat it had a great rich coffee smell (just like when your son surprises you first thing in the morning by coming home early from the army).  It poured very dark & not too thick (which can sometimes be a warning sign for a hefty stout, but definitely not the case here). Like any BA stout the flavors pop a bit more as it warms up, but the first cold sip was still very tasty and coffee forward. As it got a little closer to room temperature you could really enjoy the vanilla and spicy rye character. While I almost always prefer Bourbon to Rye in my cocktails, I believe that Rye spice might be the perfect compliment to Vanilla in a stout. I rate this beer 10 Spicy Kentucky Meatballs rolled up in Chicago Snowballs. 




Parish Brewing Co - DDH Ghost in the Machine (2020)



Description from Parish Brewing Co’s Untappd: This is our most saturated and gooey IPA to date. At a dry hopping rate of just over 8 pounds of Citra per barrel, this will dominate your senses. Welcome to the future. 8.5% ABV


    Wow! Will you read that description! That is poetry. I had to drive a long way to get this beer….all the way to Joliet, IL from the northside of Chicago. I met up with an associate who had some extra from their most recent release. Since I am never in Joliet I took this opportunity to take a lazy walk around the Joliet Iron Works Historic site. This was a pretty cool place to enjoy some fresh air while taking in nature, and urban decay. Joliet is also one of the few places with a Rax restaurant which was a favorite from my childhood, but has all but disappeared from my world at least. I decided against going as to keep my faded memory a happy one. 


    I have had the standard issue Ghost in the Machine in New Orleans as a walking beer, and also ordered a couple through Tavour in 2020. I enjoyed the standard issue very much, but this Double Dry Hopped edition really takes it to the next level. It smelled so dank and juicy, and the taste matched that perfectly which is not always the case. I would put this in the category of resinous hop candy. If you are able to snag any of these terminator style silver skull cans I would do so. I rate this beer 10 stoned T-800s. 




Begyle Brewing - Sent With Celebration



Description from Begyle’s Untappd: Hazy IPA with Sabro, Citra and Mosaic hops. 6% ABV


    This short description of this beer describes Beglye perfectly. They are an unassuming, hard working brewery that churns out solid beers without a lot of pomp and circumstance. A great friend of mine gifted my bride and I a 2021 membership to Begyle’s CSB (Community Supported Brewing) program which gets us two 32oz Crowlers a month for 2021! This was an amazing gift, and really fills a hole in my beer buying tendencies. As you can probably tell from the other entries on this list I load up on Barrel Aged Stouts & Double IPAs which are all in the 8-17% ABV range while neglecting the lower ABV beers I probably should be drinking. 


    For our first month of Crowlers we decided to try out When Peaches Fly, a light fruited sour, and Sent With Celebration. We also decided to take advantage of a barely freezing day (~30 degrees F), and walk 4 miles round trip to Begyle. It was a lovely walk along the Metra tracks, and the woman at the walk up window at Begyle couldn’t have been nicer. We built a fire in the backyard, and popped open Sent With Celebration. This was a great beer to enjoy after putting some work in. It was light enough to take some good size swigs, but it was really packed with juicy tropical flavors. If I was forced to choose my 3 favorite hops it would be hard not to choose the three used in this beer (Mosaic, Citra and Sabro in that order). I rate this beer 10 cans of beer in paper bags on a late night Metra train.  




Side Project Brewing - Beer:Barrel:Time (2017)



Description from Side Project Brewing’s Untappd: An imperial stout aged in bourbon barrels that is meant to highlight the three things that make up the stout: the beer that was brewed, the barrels that the beer aged in, and the time the beer spent aging in those barrels. Brian (formerly of Goose Island), Tommy (formerly of Perennial), and Cory tasted through more than 50 of our bourbon and whiskey barrels in an attempt to craft the blend. We chose a selection of barrels, a majority from Willett, and the rest from Heaven Hill that exemplified what we believe to epitomize Bourbon Barrel-Aged Imperial Stout. 15% ABV


    I make the trek back to my hometown of St. Louis for just about every Thanksgiving. The last few years this has also included a visit (or three) to the Side Project Cellar and/or Brewery during the long weekend. It almost always involves waiting in a line in rain or snow, but the wait has always been worth it for me. The Side Project Cellar is so cozy, and packed with folks who are happy to share a communal table and possibly a bottle of high ABV dream liquid. This was definitely missed this year as we spent Thanksgiving in our apartment in Chicago. 


    Typically Barrel Aged stouts can be kept for a number of years, and still taste great. Since this beer was so special the time I enjoyed it the day after Thanksgiving in 2017, I thought a snowy Chicago night in January would be a great time to open it up after being in my possession for just over 3 years. Thankfully I can say it tastes just as great as Thanksgiving 2017. This stout is very thick, and all three elements described above by Side Project (base beer, barrel, and barrel time) really shined through. A powerful, but smooth taste that perfectly satisfies. If you have one I would recommend drinking it now before it starts to fall off, and if you don’t have one maybe try to find a friend with a newer vintage. I still have a 2019 that I’m excited to open sometime soon. I rate this beer eating 10 gooey butter cakes with plates made of Missouri Oak Trees.



I love you, Jeff


Links:


Maplewood Brewing


Parish Brewing Co


Begyle Brewing


Side Project Brewing




emergency pudding